I wish life had little blips of pornography
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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