Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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