nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
