Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
