Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
