Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
