You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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