Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
