I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
