I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
