Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
