glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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