Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
