is your mom at the bar?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
