his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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