my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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