I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
