Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
