Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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