also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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