My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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