I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
