What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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