There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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