ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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