Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
