They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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