Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
