i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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