So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
