Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
