I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
