i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
