I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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