you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
