I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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