Only a mothe r could love this liver
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
