My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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