I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you inspire me to be a worse person
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
