There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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