enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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