Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
