thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
