It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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