I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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