Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I need to calm my uterus...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
