I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
