Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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