Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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