apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
