A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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